


Oh Suzume

by petaldancing



Category: Hyouka & Kotenbu Series
Genre: F/M, Gen, Pacific Rim AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-23
Updated: 2013-11-23
Packaged: 2018-01-02 10:33:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1055743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petaldancing/pseuds/petaldancing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Little bird, come home. —  Mayaka, Houtarou, Satoshi, Chitanda. Pacific Rim AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oh Suzume

●

When the woman at the counter glanced at the passport, what followed was the inevitable eyebrow raise of surprise. Mayaka knew she didn't look her age - she wished there was some particular, universal way to look like a convincing twenty-one year old - and pressed her lips together to keep a straight face.

"Welcome back, miss," the woman said once she stamped the passport. Mayaka thanked the woman before slipping through the immigration checkpoint. Just past the barriers, her two friends stood waiting.

Satoshi jingled as he swayed back and forth because of the noisy keychains clipped on his backpack. Houtarou's expression was sour - a terrible combination of jet lag and naturally unpleasant looks - and he leaned against the wall for support. Though she knew how to deal with their eccentricities by now, she was much too tired to spare either of them a comment this time. Instead, Mayaka chose to just lead the way to baggage collection.

As they walked out of the arrival hall, Mayaka scanned their surroundings. The airport looked more or less the same since the last time she was here.

"I wonder how much has changed in the last two years.”

Satoshi was quick to answer. "Loads of things, Mayaka! They changed the design of the trains and transportation fees have soared. Taxes have been raised in general too because of - well - us." He made a long 'hmmm' noise before recalling his final point: "They also raised the fine for littering by 20,000 yen."

Mayaka shook her head with amusement and gave him a knowing look. Trust Satoshi to be up to date on the most useless facts. "But, some things never change," she said, staring over at Houtarou.

"Correct." The young man nodded, apparently proud of the fact that he was still a slug. He had shown a powerful, unshakeable resilience for his grey lifestyle during the last twenty four months of intensive training in Alaska. As packed as their schedules had been, Houtarou had one way or another always found the time to sit by himself and do absolutely nothing. 

It baffled her that Houtarou had even survived the first week of training, but here he was, half asleep and holding the same qualifications as her. She straightened her posture and tugged at the handle of her luggage, refusing to give a name to this feeling.

While she stewed her thoughts, Satoshi and Houtarou tried to figure out the fastest way from Haneda Airport to their next destination. There would be no pit stops to Kamiyama. They had been instructed to head straight to their postings immediately after landing.

This was a far cry from how she'd pictured them growing up when she was in middle school. Mayaka had had it all planned out back then – apply to a good university, work part time, maybe debut as a mangaka if she played all her cards right. She remembered being fourteen and declaring that one day she was going to be Houtarou's boss. She also remembered hoping that she was going to marry Satoshi (this, she hadn't said aloud). Things hadn’t gone according to plan. At all.

Still, these childish thoughts held an unusual fondness for her, especially now when they were farther away than ever.

Having finally agreed on a route, Houtarou and Satoshi lapsed into silence. Then, all Mayaka could hear were the tides of footsteps against the tiled floor of the airport and the chatter amongst families of different shapes and sizes. These were the sounds people made as they left and returned home. The thought gnawed at Mayaka, who tried to brush it off.

Satoshi hummed for a few steps before speaking up, unable to stand the lack of conversation.

"... I wonder how Chi-san's doing?" he said this with careful casualness.

It did little to lessen the impact of the question. The air around them seemed to constrict and Mayaka pulled harder against her luggage. She wanted to glare at Satoshi just then, wanted to demand an explanation for why he would ask such a terrible question. But Satoshi didn't look away from either her or Houtarou as he waited for an answer.

She swallowed all of her frustration and unballed her fist. In the most unlikely of ways, Satoshi proved that he wasn't always a coward.

"She's fine. Right, Oreki?"

Mayaka didn't get a reply straightaway – this was something she'd expected from the unmotivated creature that was Houtarou Oreki. However, as she watched his shoulders stiffen from the corner of her eye, Mayaka started having second thoughts. It seemed to be less about laziness and more about hesitation.

"I hope so," was Houtarou's eventual reply. It sounded stilted and forced, but none of them brought it up after that.

They had to battle the crowd to find the right platform and file themselves into a train cabin at the airport's station. Satoshi took the opportunity to point out all the changes he'd mentioned earlier, from the material of the seats to the larger width of standing space for commuters. Houtarou remained in his half-comatose state, grabbing onto a handlebar as an afterthought. Mayaka stood between them and felt embarrassed as they drew the attention of all the other passengers in the train. She listened to Satoshi ramble as she brushed the creases out of her uniform.

Her eyes strayed to the crest printed over her heart. Satoshi’s and Houtarou’s shirts were the same as hers.

They were all a part of the Jaeger Programme.

 

●

The Kaiju first appeared when she was two months away from graduating middle school.

Mayaka remembered the day all the TV and radio stations broadcasted the news - she remembered her mother dropping a bowl in the sink and the crumple of the morning paper in her father's hands. She remembered going to school and seeing how scared all her friends had looked - Satoshi, Houtarou, everyone. The teachers pretended that everything would be fine, and everyone acted like it was just a normal day of classes. It was obvious that no one could concentrate. Mayaka couldn't forget how it had made her feel as she tried to find the value of  _x_  in math class. A monster was rampaging in a city halfway across the world, and yet, it seemed so much closer.

She had read about evil, gigantic monsters before in some of her manga. In them, a superhero would always swoop in to save the day. She was already fifteen and she knew these stories printed in black and white would stay fictional no matter how hard she wanted them to be real. Despite that, she spent her time after school flipping through all these old volumes, almost as if she would find an answer somewhere in between their pages.

When the Kaiju was finally stopped one week later, Mayaka still hadn’t found the answer.

They entered high school thinking that the Kaiju would never appear again. It was packaged as a bad, nightmarish memory that wouldn’t repeat itself. Mayaka shoved it to the deepest corners of her mind the same way she had packed her manga into a cardboard box and shoved it into the closet.

She was a high-schooler now, and she would make the best of it. She joined the library society and the manga club. Even later on, she was persuaded to join the Classic Literature Club.

Eru was a friend who made a permanent nest in her heart. Houtarou started to crawl partway out of the tortoise shell that was his lifestyle. Satoshi had almost told her what she wanted to hear. Those years in Kamiyama High were special, and Mayaka had never wanted it to end.

But by their last year of high school, the Kaiju War was underway. The Jaeger Programme had only started for over a year or so, and Japan suffered from a severe lack of rangers and other technical personnel. Mayaka was eighteen and sitting for her university entrance exams when she was told that all graduating students would have to come back to school and sit for one extra paper.

That two-hour exam changed her life.

A handful of other students from Kamiyama High – including her, Houtarou and Satoshi– were shortlisted to join the Jaeger Programme. Thereafter, they had to go through an order of compulsory tests to determine their capabilities – Could be trained in the right areas? How steep were their learning curves? Would they give their lives for their country?

The pool of applicants had whittled away with each round of testing, until only her and Houtarou were left.

Personal choice never seemed to factor in until Mayaka was sitting alone in a room with a psychologist – a woman in a white dress who looked far too nice to be doing something like this.

“Miss Ibara, you’re an amazing young girl.  You have a sharp mind and a strong sense of justice. You’re more than capable of handling yourself. The PPDC would be grateful and honoured if you’d be willing to fight with us.”

Mayaka listened to all of this with her hands gripped over her knees.

Why were they even asking her this when they knew she would never say no?

 

●

Eru had never been involved with these series of incidents. Chitanda-san had gone out of his way to make sure his daughter wasn’t even called back for the very first evaluation test.

She had a duty to her family, after all. Eru had told them before that she was bound to the land. Mayaka hadn’t realised what that truly meant until then.

Through all of this, Eru never questioned a thing. She never complained about how unfair it was that her future had been decided for her before she had turned ten – before she had learned to talk – before she had even been born. Mayaka didn’t know how Eru coped with the knowledge that she had been fixed, had to stay rooted to the land she nurtured with those kind, kind hands and never take a step beyond it. It was a heavy burden for someone so young.

“You’re going to pilot a Jaeger, Maya-chan.”

Ah. That was true. She hadn’t thought about it that way.

As they sat facing the tiny garden outside Eru’s room, Mayaka felt a twinge of sadness overcome her. In a few weeks, they wouldn’t be able to sit side by side like this anymore. She wouldn’t get to eat Eru’s homemade onigiri and they would have to cancel their plans to watch that new sci-fi movie coming out in autumn. The list of everything she was going to miss became longer the more Mayaka thought about it. Her sadness grew and grew. 

She marked her calendar every day, counting down to the time when everything she was certain about would be taken away from her. Mayaka couldn’t stop time, but she could decide what she wanted to do with it.

The old Kamiyama High Classics Club came back together that summer. They visited colourful theme parks and empty museums and noisy festivals. They had picnics packed by Satoshi and Eru under the sweltering sun and in the shelter of a bus stop as they waited for a passing shower to stop. They watched fireworks burst and fade the same way fireflies do. Houtarou had attended almost all of these outings, which was outstanding performance on his part. Mayaka felt that they were trying to squeeze all the summers they would never have into these short thirty days.

No matter what they did, no matter how hard they laughed and cried, eventually, the end of summer arrived.

In less than ten hours, Mayaka would be on her very first flight. She would be eating airplane food, leaving Japan, and travelling for the first time. There were so many first times she had to go through. It was scary.

She looked at Eru and tried not to think of any last times. This was scarier.

“I enjoyed this summer,” Eru said as they waited for Houtarou and Satoshi at the train station.

“Don’t say things like that, Chi-chan,” Mayaka told her. She rubbed the back of her hand against her face.

“Things will be fine, Maya-chan. I’m positive!” Eru spoke in a voice that was both encouraging and hopeful. "You have to remember to take care of yourself! Please be diligent over Houtarou-san and Satoshi-san too!” she said this with such seriousness that Mayaka laughed.

She tried her best to agree with her friend. In truth, she couldn't fully believe in these words. But Mayaka couldn't show that.

“We’ll be back before you know it. Don’t be sad, okay?”

Mayaka instantly regretted saying that. Her legs bent against the bench and her sneakers scuffed against the concrete floor. She wasn’t in a position to tell Eru not to be sad. She was the one who would be taking the train out of town, the one who would have to look back and wave. Apologies seemed to rise in her throat, and Mayaka had told herself she wasn’t going to cry, but –

“Okay.”

Eru gave her one simple nod.  

“I’ll be alright, Maya-chan.”

Mayaka didn’t say another word.

She had always thought that deep down, past her optimistic front, some part of Eru had felt betrayed by them for leaving.

“All of us will be together again.” Eru gazed at the worn out train tracks. She followed them with her eyes and tilted her head as the tracks trailed off into the distance. Before long, her lips curved into a gentle smile. “I’m sure of it.”  

The smile held itself there, bright and sincere on Eru’s face. Mayaka berated herself for ever doubting her friend.

She had been dogged with second thoughts about the Jaeger Programme for the last summer – could she really leave Kamiyama, her family, her dear friend, and everything else behind?

That day, as Mayaka held and let go of Eru’s hand, she made her choice.

 

●

It had been childish of them to think that they would always be together. As Mayaka sat on a train headed towards the Tokyo Shatterdome and further and further away from Kamiyama, she knew how harsh reality could be. Of course they couldn't be together. They were far too different, and life was far too unfair.

And yet, she still had these two with her. Satoshi was now dozing off in the seat next to hers. Houtarou was napping as well and his head was lolling on Satoshi’s shoulder. Still, without Eru here, it just wasn't right.

Mayaka sank in her seat and crossed her arms.

She had always been a selfish person.

 

●

They were greeted by a familiar face when they entered the Tokyo Shatterdome.

Houtarou’s sister looked so strange wearing a PPDC uniform. Mayaka had only ever seen her in colourful dresses before this. Now, she was an established officer in the Shatterdome. Houtarou had told them that Tomoe was technically a Strike Trooper, but could also pilot a Jumphawk for some apparent reason. That wasn’t too surprising in retrospect since she used to be a star student in the Jaeger Academy. Perhaps there was something particular about the Oreki family blood.

Mayaka sneaked a glance at Houtarou.

Nah. 

“Long time no see, dear brother!” Tomoe greeted them with a casual smile.

Houtarou waved half-heartedly as she approached them.

“No need to get so emotional just yet, Houtarou. Here are your rooms.” She slotted a slip of paper over Houtarou’s ear. “Get settled down and I’ll see you for dinner at the canteen. If I had to give one good review for this place, it would be about how great the food is. The canteen’s on B5, in the East Wing. If you’re lost, just ask for directions. We’re all nice people here and we love new recruits.”

Tomoe ruffled Satoshi’s hair and gave Mayaka a speedy pat on the shoulder disappearing into a crowd of engineers and office workers.

They watched the group turn down a hallway at one end of the wide corridor.

“Tomoe-san hasn’t changed a bit,” Satoshi said.

“She hasn’t,” Houtarou agreed in a low mumble.

While Houtarou unfolded and squinted at the scribbles on the paper, they picked up their bags and searched the large room for an indication of where to go next. Satoshi insisted on going left. Mayaka didn’t want them wandering aimlessly, but couldn’t seem to find someone to ask for directions. Everyone who bustled through the lobby seemed to have some important task to attend to.  

When a young woman with shoulder-length hair brushed past them, Houtarou froze. Then, he whipped his head over his shoulder. Mayaka had never seen Houtarou move that fast in her life.

“What’s wrong with you?” She gave him a weird look.

“Chitanda.”

Mayaka felt her stomach clench at the name. It couldn’t be. She followed Houtarou’s gaze to the woman. Her walk did look hauntingly familiar, but they couldn’t confirm if it really was her unless they saw her face. Mayaka’s throat was dry all of a sudden, and though her mouth was open, no words came out.

“ _Chi-san!_ ” Satoshi shouted over the sea of strangers.

The woman stopped. Mayaka didn’t know when she had grabbed onto Houtarou’s sleeve. She held her breath as the woman turned around.  

It really was Eru.

The next thing she knew, she was running up to Eru and throwing her arms around her.

“M- Maya-chan? I’m sorry I didn’t see you! I must not have been paying attention!”

That was just like her. “Chi-chan!” She buried her face into the collar of Eru’s uniform.

As Mayaka lowered herself back onto her feet, Houtarou and Satoshi caught up with them. They didn’t say a word, and the frantic, joyous reunion Mayaka had pictured time and time again in her mind wasn’t taking place. Instead, between the four of them, they exchanged nervous glances and there was a mutual uncertainty of what to do now. Mayaka felt her enthusiasm deflate.

Eru’s eyes flitted from one person to the next as she took in their appearance. Mayaka didn’t think they looked much different. Satoshi had grown slightly taller and Houtarou had cut his hair short except for his infamous, messy bangs.

The most striking change about Eru herself was her new hairstyle. And, like Tomoe, it was odd seeing her wearing a blouse and skirt with the PPDC logo. This was the last place Mayaka thought she was going to see her.

“W… What are you doing here?” Houtarou’s voice was close to a stammer.

 Eru pursed her lips. She looked like she had too much to tell them and not enough words.

“I… I decided that I wanted to see everyone again. I couldn't just sit and wait. Houtarou-san, Maya-chan, Satoshi-san… you were all working hard. I had to put in effort too.” Her cheeks flushed and her eyes shimmered with emotions. The next second, Eru had covered her nose and mouth with her hands and bent over.

Houtarou leaned in closer, his hands floating above her shoulders, an alarmed expression crossing his face. Mayaka wondered if Eru was crying. She dug her heels into the floor and looked at Satoshi for a second opinion. The smile on his face was blank and naïve. She grimaced at him without quarter.

Suddenly, Eru rose back to her full height. Houtarou’s hands knocked against her back and he quickly pocketed them. The fact that Eru Chitanda was the only person who could turn Houtarou into a normal, awkward teenager would never stop amusing Mayaka.

“Ah! Sorry!” Eru laughed. There were no tears in her eyes, only a bright smile on her face. “I’m okay. I was just surprised. I didn’t know I would be meeting all of you today.”

“Things have always been last minute for the PPDC,” Satoshi said. “We didn’t know we were coming back to Japan until yesterday night.”

“Which reminds me, I completely forgot to say this!” Eru took one step back, poised her hands in front of herself and bowed shortly. “Everyone – Welcome back!”

“Chi-chan. That’s not how you’re supposed to greet your friends,” Mayaka chided.

“Oh? Then, what are you supposed to do?”

Mayaka tugged on Houtarou and Satoshi’s arms and brought them all into a hug. Houtarou was pretty damn terrible at it. He didn’t know where to put his hands and he was sweaty. Eru didn’t seem to mind, and Satoshi was laughing again.

It didn’t matter if Mayaka was crushed under three pairs of arms. It had been a long time since she last felt this way.     

 

●

Mayaka was amazed to find out that the Chitanda enterprise was providing all of the Shatterdome’s rations. This was in addition to food relief to designated shelters when a Kaiju made landfall. The Chitanda farmlands were expansive, but that was just within the scale of the prefecture. For the Chitanda to participate with these large-scale efforts, they must have made a lot of decisions and taken a lot of risks.

It had ultimately paid off. Eru was an operations officer in the Tokyo Shatterdome now.

“I attended university and worked at the same time,” Eru said over a cup of coffee. “I had to put my studies on hold because business picked up in the Shatterdome, but I’ll finish my Bachelor in Agricultural Technology as soon as I can.”

“Wow, Chi-san! How did you manage that?” Satoshi asked as he dropped a few cubes of sugar into his drink.

Eru laughed in that polite way of hers. “I don’t remember doing anything special. I just did what I could.”

“You’re still so modest,” Mayaka tutted.

“What about the three of you? I’m curious!” Eru leaned forward in her seat. Naturally, her attention veered towards Houtarou.

Houtarou darted his eyes to Mayaka and Satoshi for help, but both of them weren’t intending to pass up an opportunity to watch him squirm.

“Um…”

“Yes, Houtarou-san?”

He sighed sheepishly and gathered his bearings. “Satoshi’s a LOCCENT officer. Ibara and I are co-pilots.”

“You both are drift-compatible, yes? That’s no surprise,” Eru said with a pleased hum.

Mayaka begged to differ. She had been floored to find out that Houtarou was the only person in the entire Academy she was compatible with. It was the exact same situation for Houtarou. By some cruel twist of fate, they had been assigned as each other’s co-pilots as early as their fourth month in the Jaeger Academy.

No matter who she was paired with, the only one who could match evenly with her had been Houtarou. It didn’t matter if they were bigger than or as small as her. It didn’t matter if it was fencing or Muay Thai. Houtarou was the only person she could confidently read and react to. The creepiest thing was that she didn’t even need to think when she sparred with him.

The longest bout he and Mayaka had had lasted for half an hour. It might have gone on longer if the bell for lunch hadn’t rung. With anyone else, Houtarou couldn’t survive past five minutes in the ring.  

“I still don’t get it!” Mayaka said with severe distress. She had attended a semester-long class explaining the Drift System – the mechanics behind it, modesty reflexes, R.A.B.I.Ts – and the only question the class never answered was why she and Houtarou were drift compatible.

Beside her, Houtarou sipped his drink and added an unhelpful, “Neither do I.”

“You two were just made for each other!” Satoshi concluded.

“I agree with Satoshi-san!” Eru said.

The two of them proceeded to smile like they were in cahoots. 

Mayaka released a pained sigh. Houtarou continued sipping his drink.

 

●

When Mayaka first entered the docking bay for Jaegers, she was greeted by a row of grand soldiers. Tacit Ronin was joined by two Chinese Jaegers and a few others she couldn’t recognise. They must be here for some specialised maintenance.

It was hard to imagine that she was certified to pilot them. Her hands were so small and fragile compared to theirs.

"This is a Jaeger? It's tiny."

When Mayaka stopped in front of the colossal grey robot, it became harder to tell that it was at least one head shorter than all the others docked in the Shatterdome. The whole point of the Jaeger Programme was to build gigantic allies that could go head to head with Kaiju. It seemed counter-productive to waste resources on manufacturing a Jaeger that wasn't anywhere big enough to stand its ground against a Kaiju. She looked over at Satoshi and Houtarou, not bothering to erase the incredulity from her face.

Satoshi's hand was on his chin. "I think that's the point, Mayaka."

She scrunched her brow and stepped closer to hear the explanation.

"It seems that the Kaiju have been giving the usual Jaegers a harder time lately. They can still be killed of course, but it's taking more effort on our part," Satoshi said. "The category of Kaiju appearing around the world has been changing as well."

"Right. They're getting  _bigger_ ," Mayaka emphasised.

"It doesn't necessarily mean we have to go bigger too," Houtarou said before hiding a yawn behind his hand. Mayaka held herself back, folding her arms as Satoshi nodded in agreement and Houtarou continued to speak, "I think the point behind this model's design was to forgo weight for more precision. The Kaiju have already grown used to fighting with larger Jaeger, so they might not be used to hitting something smaller."

He did have a point. "I... see," Mayaka said with an even voice.

Houtarou's expression flickered with something that seemed to indicate surprise. "You don't usually take well to being corrected."

"What do you mean by that?!" Mayaka raised her voice out of instinct. Some of the engineers working around them turned their heads. She huffed and made an effort to lower her volume. "I don't like being corrected, but if I'm wrong then - I'm wrong."

Despite her great humility, Houtarou didn't seem touched in the least.

 _Teammates_ , Mayaka grudgingly reminded herself. They were teammates now. No matter how much it made her skin crawl, she had to at least try to get used to a working relationship with Houtarou Oreki, even if said slug made the task near impossible.

"Chi-san!" Satoshi greeted Eru as she walked up to them with a stack of documents between her hands.

"Good morning, everyone! I see you've met your Jaeger!"

Mayaka stared up at the grey Jaeger. "You mean this is...?"

"Yes! Tomoe-san informed me that she was only completed a week ago. She’s Japan’s first Mark 4 Jaeger." Eru answered with a bright grin. "Her name is Suzume."

"Just 'Suzume'? That's odd," Satoshi observed.

"I like it," Houtarou said even though he sounded nowhere near the threshold of excitement. "Short and simple."

Knowing now that she would be piloting the Jaeger, Mayaka scrutinized it from head to toe with a critical eye. "It looks dull," she said. Suzume was a dreary thing with that single, monotonous coat of paint.

"I suppose that's why its Oreki's Jaeger," Mayaka added with a resigned sigh.

"It's yours too," Houtarou informed her.

Mayaka fell back against Eru for physical and emotional support. 

"Don't remind me." 

●

“What’s it like in a Jaeger?”

It was only the two of them in her bunk and Satoshi was pretending to be unaware of the implications. Mayaka was slightly annoyed by this. Her intention for returning to her room was to salvage some time alone. She had been seeing too much of Houtarou these days, Tomoe and Eru were always discussing a topic she didn’t understand, and Satoshi – right now, Satoshi was the biggest offender of the bunch. She had left the door ajar and he had taken it as an invitation to inch into the room.   

“Well, we haven’t had a proper deployment yet,” she reminded him as she sat on the edge of her bed. 

“Not yet, but you and Houtarou have been doing test runs with Suzume already,” Satoshi said. He stopped circling the room to lean against her desk. “Since she’s a Mark 4, she must deviate at least a little from all the basics of J-tech we studied.”

“It’s a bit more complicated than what we were taught, but Houtarou seems to be able to understand most of it when he decides to use his brain. There’s nothing too special apart from that. If anything, it’s worse now that we have more things to pay attention to.”

Mayaka knew how much Satoshi had wanted to be a Ranger. He never passed the third screening, though. When they were nineteen, he was told by the PPDC that while he wasn’t going to be a suitable Ranger, his mind was the perfect asset for a data analyst. Mayaka could remember what Satoshi had said that day, word for word.

_“So, my mind’s not stable enough to pilot a Jaeger. But that doesn’t even matter if all I need to do is process and relay data. I’m a database through and through.”_

Satoshi had tried to laugh it off. He had even said, _“I should be used to this by now.”_

Mayaka also remembered trying her hardest not to cry in front of him. Houtarou had been there too, and he had looked almost angry. Mayaka never did find out what Houtarou had been so angry about. Yet, this scene kept replaying in her head whenever she thought long enough about Satoshi.

“Look, Fuku-chan. You’re not missing out on a lot. The LOCCENT is a much better place to be. It’s air-conditioned and you can talk to all the other Marshalls. You’ll be able to build a good rep for yourself.” She didn’t know what she was saying. 

Satoshi stared blankly at her. “… Mayaka. Please don’t pity me. You know I don’t like it when that happens.”

Mayaka really wanted to be alone now.

“Fuku-chan – I didn’t mean it like that.” Somehow, she couldn’t find the words she wanted to say.

Satoshi nodded vigorously. Too vigorously. “I know. I know. It’s me. I… ” His laugh was tired and stale. “I can’t kick old habits. I can’t stop obsessing over things. I thought I would’ve outgrown it by now.”

He raised his gaze to the ceiling, his eyes emptied of whatever interest he had.

“The truth is, I’m still the same."

Mayaka was on her feet and beside Satoshi before she could stop herself. She placed her hand over his knuckles, not knowing what else to do. Satoshi only let them indulge for a brief moment before pulling his hand back. Mayaka had been through this before. Regardless of how many times this had happened, her heart always clenched the same way.

“I’ve gotta’ go. LOCCENT duty.”

Satoshi didn’t turn back as he left the room.

Mayaka was finally alone.

 

●

Less than two months after entering the Shatterdome, they were dispatched on their first mission.

Mayaka's eyes were on the ground as they entered the docking area. She'd trained for this moment for more than two years. It seemed silly for her to feel so uncertain out of the blue. It was just a Category I Kaiju. It was going to be a cinch, right?

When Houtarou tapped her arm, she jerked her gaze up. "What?" As she spoke, she tried to push the anxiousness back down her throat.

"Suzume looks different."

It was obvious even without Houtarou's commentary. Sharp, pink highlights covered the Jaeger’s body. Previously, she had looked lifeless and dull. Now, there was a fierceness there, and Suzume looked like she was ready and waiting for a fight.

Mayaka tightened the grip on her helmet. She could – _they_ could do this.

“What do you think happened?”

“Satoshi happened,” Houtarou said with a shrug of his shoulders. “He never gets tired of doing unnecessary things.”

There was no question about it, Mayaka thought. Satoshi had more or less become a permanent mission controller in the LOCCENT now. It wasn’t impossible for him to pull a few strings, to go out of his way for them. He must have noticed what she’d said about Suzume the other time. As it dawned on Mayaka, the knot between her shoulders eased a little, and her face grew warmer. This wasn’t unnecessary at all.

She was prepared to snap at Houtarou, but then she noticed that the corner of his mouth had lifted slightly. Was Houtarou… happy about the makeover?

Mayaka rolled her eyes as they boarded the lift. The mystery of the day would be how and when Houtarou had gained the ability to be sentimental.  

●

The Drift wasn’t completely unfamiliar to Mayaka. She had been here with Houtarou a few times when they were testing out their compatibility in the Jaeger Academy and during their dry runs in the Shatterdome. This was the first time they had gone so deep into each other’s head, though.

Houtarou’s inner mind was just like how it looked on the tin. Grey, grey, and grey. It was clean and free of any disarray. No lingering regrets or gnawing thoughts. Not even any scandalous secrets. It annoyed Mayaka how neat it was – she could never organise her thoughts or emotions like this. It was too hard for someone like her, and she could never toss out old, miniscule memories or feelings as easily as Houtarou did to clear his head space.

Because of this, Houtarou used to balk whenever they mind-melded. Mayaka always smirked when that happened. She was rather proud of all the innovative ways she could employ to torment Houtarou.

Mayaka soon discovered that the one scarcely chaotic part of Houtarou’s mind was, predictably, the places he stored whatever feelings he had for Eru. Mayaka found these little emotions in odd places – stuck on the ceiling or tickling her ear or under the sole of her foot.

Even then, Mayaka couldn’t criticise him knowing how her own heart must look like.

In the Drift, the old Classics Club room reassembled itself from Mayaka and Houtarou’s memories. Nothing was out of place: from the number of chairs to the stacks of old _Hyouka_ issues stored in the dusted cabinets. The two of them sat at the table reading their favourite novels. Sometimes, reflections of a younger Satoshi and Eru passed through the room and dissipated in the sunlight that shined through the window. Never did Mayaka think she would be able to return to the old Geog Prep room. This place represented the one period in her life where being happy had been easy.

She and Houtarou never spoke a word of this outside of the Drift, but they both treasured the haven Suzume built for them each time she woke up.

●

After their first Kaiju kill, there was only one thing on Mayaka’s mind.

“What did you see?” Mayaka demanded to know even though she knew that she would never get a satisfactory answer. Houtarou had probably seen everything. How her senior in the manga club used to pick on her, that she had failed math for half of her second year of high school – that Satoshi had kissed her on graduation day. She felt her cheeks heat at the recollection. At this rate, her death was more likely to be caused by embarrassment than Kaiju.

Mayaka braced her dignity as Houtarou spoke.

“That one time when we were eight, a cat got stuck in a tree behind the school and you used me to boost you up into the tree. We didn’t even get it down and the teacher scolded us for doing something so dangerous. We stood at the back of class for a whole period. Thinking about it makes my back hurt.” He placed a hand behind himself to demonstrate.

After hearing all that, Mayaka felt oddly disappointed. “That’s it?”

Houtarou arched an eyebrow, as if to say _what else did you expect?_

“Ibara, there were a lot of things in the Drift. Too many if you ask me. It would’ve been too tiring to pay attention to every single thing.”

“You’re hopeless!” Mayaka declared.

Houtarou took off his helmet wordlessly. He didn’t seem inclined to prove her wrong. Fine.

As they strolled out of the cockpit, Houtarou raised a hand to give Suzume a few absent pats. Mayaka did the same.

“Thanks,” she whispered.

●

“Can I come in?”

Satoshi was asking politely this time.

Mayaka’s hand tightened around the handle of the door.

“Let’s… walk instead,” she decided. Satoshi didn’t protest as she stepped out of her room. Mayaka didn’t have anywhere in particular that she had to go, so she started off in one direction.

Satoshi fell into step beside her. “What did you think of Suzume?”

“Both her and Houtarou like the makeover,” Mayaka said.

“What about you, Mayaka?” And Satoshi was doing it again, asking about her and leaning slightly closer as he did. Mayaka knew she was blushing and turned her nose into the air.

“It’s acceptable,” she decided. “You didn’t need to go through the trouble, you know.”

“I like going through trouble!” Satoshi laughed. Houtarou had hit the nail on the head once again.

“Also, that was my roundabout way of apologising. I’m sorry for the other day.”

Save for that one Valentine’s Day that Mayaka would never forget, Satoshi had never apologised about anything like this before. He always pretended he’d done nothing wrong to begin with. Mayaka had always gone along with the ruse since it was easy to follow. Now, she gaped at him.

“It’s… It’s over already, Fuku-chan. We don’t need to bring that up again.”

“But I thought about what I said. Even though I don’t think I was wrong, I shouldn’t have taken it out on you,” Satoshi said, tucking his hands behind himself.

“You _are_ wrong!” Mayaka fired back.

“How?”

She bit her lip. She still hadn’t found the words she wanted to say.

“See?” Satoshi was pleased with himself, like he had proven a point.

Mayaka wasn’t convinced.

Their conversation died down, but they didn’t stop walking. She started to miss high school again. It was a feeling that came and went all the time and Mayaka had gotten used to it. She and Satoshi used to wander down corridors like this too. The only difference was that back then, things had been clear. She was the one who liked him. He was the one who dodged and hid and broke chocolates just to avoid answering the question.

He was the one who’d shake his head whenever she asked, but hold her hand when she cried or listen to her talk over the phone until it was two in the morning. It was a balancing act that they had perfected ever since they were fourteen.

Satoshi had tipped everything over when he kissed her during high school graduation. Now, it was so much harder to define what they were.

Maybe things would have been different if the Kaiju never emerged from the earth. Maybe in some other, more normal universe, they were already dating. Mayaka envied that.

As they turned down a corridor, Mayaka was surprised that her feet had led them to Houtarou’s room. She scowled at this, but Satoshi took the chance to pay an unexpected visit to his dear friend.

Mayaka had expected the door to be answered by a pair of dark, soulless eyes. Instead, she was greeted by bright, girlish ones full of energy.

“Chi-chan?” She blinked. Then, her voice lowered into a sinister cackle. “What are you doing here?”

“Just playing a game of Go with Houtarou-san,” Eru chimed in reply. “Father’s not sending in the new shipments until tomorrow morning so I had some time to spare.”

“Who’s winning?” Satoshi asked as he peaked into the room. Mayaka stuck close to him and did the same.

“I was so engrossed that I wasn’t keeping track. …Houtarou-san?”

Houtarou couldn’t reply. He was attempting to suffocate himself under a pillow.

●

“I know I shouldn’t be thinking about stuff like this – especially not now,” Mayaka said as she chewed on a slice of buttered toast. “I can’t help it. I’m still a girl, after all.” She swallowed. “Or maybe that’s just an excuse.”  

She had grown accustomed to climbing up here to eat breakfast with Suzume. She snuck into the bay after the engineers on night shift ended work and before the day shift workers began theirs. Houtarou was a lousy listener and she didn’t want to burden Eru with nonsensical, trivial ramblings. She already had enough on her plate, being the second-in-command of a flourishing business.

Thus, Suzume was stuck with the tedious task of listening to Mayaka heave the clutter of thoughts out of her head and heart. It wasn’t always just her rambling. Sometimes, she even read manga next to the Jaeger. This was a quiet place in the early hours of the morning.

“Do you know what I think? I think a Category II Kaiju is easier to handle than Fuku-chan.”

Suzume’s stern silence was her only reply.

Mayaka sighed. “I’m not joking, you know. It’s true.”

“What’s true?”

“Chi-chan?!” Mayaka jolted as Eru appeared beside her.

The woman climbed onto the platform and sat herself down, placing her trusty clipboard aside. “When I saw you entering the docking bay, I was curious about what you were doing. Am I disturbing you?”

“Of course not,” Mayaka said. She offered the plate of breakfast to Eru. “Toast?”

After some gentle persuasion on Eru’s part, Mayaka admitted that she was using Suzume as an emotional outlet. The more Mayaka thought about it, the more she realised Suzume had it tough. On one hand she had to deal with the fact that one of her pilots was Houtarou Oreki, and on the other, all Mayaka did was dump emotional baggage onto her. The Jaeger was something else.

“Maya-chan. You know that I’ll always be here to listen. That is, if you want me to,” Eru said.

“You’re too nice, Chi-chan. You won’t be able to tell me when to stop,” Mayaka told her candidly.

The woman considered this. “You’ll stop when you’re done saying all you have to say, yes?”

“That’s exactly what I’m talking about,” Mayaka chuckled. “Besides, you’ve heard it all before. Things haven’t really changed between me and Fuku-chan since high school.”

Eru raised herself onto her knees. “What?! Really? That’s terrible, Maya-chan!” Her high-pitched voice echoed throughout the bay and Mayaka edged back in surprise. “You should have told me sooner! I’ll do whatever I can about it!”

“Chi-chan, it’s okay!” Mayaka grabbed her arm and coaxed her to sit back down. “It’ll work out by itself. Even if it doesn’t, we’ve got more important matters to focus on now anyway.”

Eru was dispirited by this. “I suppose,” she said.

Still, Mayaka couldn’t help but smile. “Thanks for listening. I’ll share my problems with both you and Suzume next time.”     

“Really?” Eru’s eyes sparkled.

“You have to tell me yours too, of course,” Mayaka said.

Eru didn’t reply at first. Her smile grew smaller and she fiddled with the collar of her blouse. 

“Do you have something on your mind, Chi-chan?”

“Um, yes,” the woman said. “I was wondering about Satoshi-san. Is he, perhaps, ‘playing the coquette’?”

Mayaka burst out laughing. “Where did you learn that from?”

“Well, Tomoe-san and I have been watching a lot of old English plays lately,” Eru said. “They’re very interesting and very dramatic. Tomoe-san collected a whole stack of them in CD format. You should join us next time if you want.”

Mayaka had to question the point of watching them.

“I was curious about it and asked Tomoe-san too. She said it would prove helpful in the future.”

“In what way, exactly?”

Eru’s brow knotted together as she thought hard. Was this the first time she’d thought about it?

“I… don’t know,” Eru said with a chuckle that turned into a bout of laughter. It was infectious, and pretty soon Mayaka had joined in too. As the two of them shared their laugher, Mayaka realised that they had never really grown apart. This wasn’t that different from how close they had been in high school.

The biggest difference was in a 60 meter tall robot.

●

Mayaka couldn’t sleep on the flight back from the Hong Kong Shatterdome. The meeting they had attended had been more like an information dump. Mayaka had to get back to her desk and jot down whatever she could remember. Category III Kaijus were starting to appear in the West Pacific in the last two months. Because there had only been two of them, even after pooling together all their findings, it had been hard for the K-Science departments of the different regions to come to any solid conclusions on much they had evolved. The general consensus was that these new Kaiju were definitely deadly.

The reality of the situation made Mayaka feel uneasy. How much longer did they have till they had to face a Category III – or even IV – Kaiju? She looked over to the seat beside hers. Houtarou was reading an inflight magazine, completely unperturbed.

Mayaka sneered.

“What?” Houtarou flipped a page.                                                         

“You’re being too cool about all of this.” She crossed her arms and put her feet up on the footrest.

“I don’t think I’m that different, Ibara,” Houtarou said. It was a valid point. He had always been a placid lump of lethargy. “You’re more worked up than usual, though.”

“I have every right to be,” Mayaka told him.

Houtarou rolled up the magazine. “It’s not just about the Kaiju.”

“What else is there?” She glared at him.

Then, it hit her that they had Drifted more times than she could count at this point.

“What are you going to do about Satoshi?”

Houtarou did not just ask that.

“Well, what are you going to do with Chi-chan?” Mayaka countered. Houtarou had been thinking about Eru much more often lately. He was a goner. For sure.  

“What I do best: nothing.”

 “You don’t mean that one bit!” Mayaka jabbed an accusing finger at him, snickering between her words.

Houtarou had about six different methods on how he was going to approach Eru when ‘the time was right’. Mayaka had seen them with her own eyes. One involved a cheesy dinner for two. Out of the magnificent goodness of her heart, she was probably going to have to help him devise a better plan of action. Or maybe she would just suggest to Eru that she had to make the first move. That would be easier on both parties.  

Houtarou clicked his tongue. “I have it under control. Unlike someone else.”

 “Oh please, you have it worse than me.”

“Ha. Ha.”

Even Houtarou’s laugh was lazy.

●

The sound of a warning siren startled Mayaka out of a dream. She exited her bunk a few minutes later, stretching her arm muscles and checking the time on the wall as she made her way to the LOCCENT. It was just past one in the morning. They had never been deployed at night before.

When she reached the LOCCENT, Houtarou and his sister were already inside exchanging worried murmurs with Satoshi.

“What’s the matter? It’s a normal Kaiju right? We’ll take care of it like we usually do,” Mayaka said as she joined them. Tomoe nodded noncommittally at the statement while Houtarou looked even more off-put than usual. It was disconcerting.

Satoshi swivelled his chair to face her. “It’s a Category III Kaiju,” he said, lowering his gaze.

That woke Mayaka up immediately. “What?! Shouldn’t Tacit Ronin or Coyote Tango be handling that?! At least deploy us as a team!” There was no way Suzume would be able to go up against a Category III alone – they were roughly one third taller than her, and that was being generous.

“That’s not going to happen,” Tomoe said with a sulk.

“They’re both Mark 1. We’ve looked at it from all angles, but without the latest upgrades, they can’t even hope of matching up. This thing is huge and fast according to the radar,” Satoshi explained. “Ronin and Tango have been given the cue to deploy, but their main mission is to guard the coastlines. We can’t tell if the Kaiju is headed for Yokohama or Shizuoka. We need to hit it first, and our bets are all on Suzume now.” He looked conflicted as he said this, the spirit in his voice broken.

Mayaka bit her lip. Though they had been shoved into a tight spot, she understood that there was no other option. Satoshi made this call with Tomoe and the others in the LOCCENT. It was part of his job.

Mayaka exchanged glances with Houtarou. They had their own job to do, too.

 “Let’s get going, then.”

“… Mm.” Satoshi didn’t look either of them in the eyes. It was only then that Mayaka noticed how pale and crestfallen Satoshi looked. This wasn’t like him at all. 

“Fuku-chan?”

“I’m sorry, Mayaka,” he said.

She frowned at this. “Fuku-chan, what are you even apologising for? And you aren’t supposed to look so worried!” Mayaka scolded.

 “You’re… right,” Satoshi mumbled. He didn’t show any signs of change.

Houtarou knocked his knuckles against Satoshi’s forehead. “Satoshi. We’re counting on you to back us up. You know we can’t do it without you.”

“You want me to back you up?” Satoshi sounded confused. “Me, the one who decided to deploy you for this mission in the first place?”

It had been hard for him to do it and it was eating at him. But, the very fact that Satoshi had made the final decision showed that he deserved the place he’d earned in the LOCCENT.  

“Snap out of it,” Mayaka said. She remembered that night when they were alone in her room. Now, months later, she had finally found the words she wanted to say, and they rose out of her like a tidal wave. “You know I won’t listen to any LOCCENT officer other than you. You’ve always made the right decisions, and we’ve always been okay because we could rely on you. Do you think someone else could replace you? You’ve got to stop wallowing in self-pity. Not now, when we need you. You’re an idiot, Fuku-chan!”

“Ibara,” Houtarou started to say, but she wasn’t done.

“You’re an idiot. You’ve always been like this. You’ve never been satisfied with yourself and you’ve always focused on all the things you couldn’t do. What about the things you can do. Did you ever think about that? Do you know how important you are?”

Mayaka wasn’t even exaggerating. She and Houtarou wouldn’t even be on speaking terms if Satoshi hadn’t met them in middle school. The only reason her thirteen-year old self had bothered with Houtarou was because Satoshi had wanted them to be friends, and whenever she and Houtarou argued, Satoshi was there to be the ever-patient mediator.

Over the years, without meaning to, Satoshi had brought out the better sides of her and Houtarou. Both of them owed a lot to him. Though Satoshi might never pick up on, he was the reason they were all standing here together now.

“Do you?” Mayaka asked. “Or are you too much of an idiot to get it?”

Houtarou’s hand was on one of her shoulders. Tomoe’s hand was on the other. Mayaka slowly unballed her fists. Her fingernails had left behind angry red marks on her palms. “Oreki and I need to be out there. We don’t have the time to help you figure it out. So, figure it out for yourself, damnit!”

Throughout her tirade, Satoshi had been facing the floor. When she was finally done, he raised his head.

“Mayaka, I– ”

“I don’t want to listen to excuses. Just tell us what your choice is now.”

He looked at her wordlessly. She maintained her glare, blinking the tears out of the corner of her eyes.  

Satoshi took a deep breath and slapped both his cheeks. “Okay!” He flashed them both a thumbs-up as the light returned to his eyes. “Leave it to me! Just make sure you show that Kaiju a thing or two!”

“We will,” Houtarou said nonchalantly.

Houtarou knew just how to spoil the mood. Mayaka wanted to ask him to at least try to sound aggressive, but she knew that it would never happen. In the fifteen years she had known him, Houtarou had only gotten worked up on two rare occasions. The first time was in middle school when a boy in class had stolen and hidden all of Satoshi’s belongings around the school and refused to tell them where they were. The second time was on the Valentine’s Day of their first year of high school. Mayaka had never even seen the latter with her own eyes. So, effectively, she had witnessed Houtarou display strong emotion only once before in her life.

It wasn’t all bad. Mayaka found it harder to panic with Houtarou this way. He had his uses.  

Satoshi briefed them on the details as per routine. They had a little under two hours to intercept the Kaiju – codenamed Black Tyrant – before it breached Japanese waters. Time wasn’t on their side. They had to get moving. Just as they started to walk out of the LOCCENT, Eru appeared at the entrance, blocking their way as she caught her breath.  

“Maya-chan, Houtarou-san.”

Mayaka halted. Her fingernails dug into her palm again. She had wanted to avoid this – it would have been easier to leave without saying anything to Eru. She hadn’t wanted to go through these motions again, but there was no helping it now.

The young lady stood steady on her feet, her hands cupped together. “I heard the news. Will Suzume be going?”

“Yes,” Houtarou answered for them.

“Don’t – Don’t worry, Chi-chan. We’ll be back before you know it.” Mayaka hated that she had to say these words again. It wasn’t any easier saying them a second time.

Despite how dire the situation seemed, Eru was unfazed. Mayaka was reminded of a quiet train station on the deadline of summer. Eru nodded without any reluctance, just like she had before.

 “I’ve no doubt about it." She smiled, stretching her hands out to hold Mayaka’s, followed by Houtarou’s. “Satoshi-san and I will be waiting. We’ll see both of you when you return, okay?”

“A- Alright,” Houtarou stuttered. He never could say no to her.

“We have to go now, Chi-chan,”Mayaka said when Eru still hadn’t let go of their hands.

“Ah. Right.”

She squeezed their hands one last time before stepping back.  

●

“Scared, Oreki?”

“Probably.”

Mayaka threw a punch at his arm. “That’s not the right answer to give!”

Houtarou was scratching an itch under his eye. “Whether or not that’s the case, we can’t turn back now,” he said.

And he had a point. Mayaka bit back a remark as they boarded Suzume and the technicians helped them into position. Her eyes lingered on Suzume’s emblem on their Drivesuits. The grey and pink armour plates were a little worn down from all the missions they had gone on. They had taken down four Kaijus in last the twenty months. Houtarou and her had gotten roughed up now and then, but Suzume’s speed and accuracy had always pulled through for them.

 _Let’s do it once more, Suzume. Just like always._ Mayaka thought.

With two consecutive clamps, her spine was connected with Houtarou’s and Suzume begun to wake from her slumber.

Sometimes, even without the Drift sequence initiated, Mayaka felt like she could sense what Houtarou was thinking. At that very moment, she knew that they had come to the same conclusion.

There was no more room for doubts or second guessing. They couldn’t keep thinking like that any longer. They were with Suzume now, and they had accomplished great feats with her. That had to mean something. As the Drift opened up and swallowed them whole, Mayaka was determined not to let anything else distract her.

“Don’t underestimate Black Tyrant,” Satoshi warned them.

Mayaka rolled her shoulders back. “Don’t underestimate us. Suzume’s a lot tougher than she looks."

Though Houtarou said nothing, she could hear his quiet acknowledgement in the Drift.

It would do.

●

Mayaka’s body tensed as Black Tyrant came into view. The spotlights of the helicopters showed that the Kaiju was bigger than what they’d expected. It looked like it could tower over Suzume, but Mayaka hadn’t come here to be intimidated.

They readied themselves as Tyrant advanced towards them. Once it was close enough, Mayaka barrelled forward and Houtarou followed. She raised a fist and rammed Suzume’s entire frame into the Kaiju with reckless abandon. The Kaiju hadn’t fallen over, but that wasn’t the plan – Suzume would never have enough bulk to even achieve that. Mayaka shook off the disorienting reverberations from the impact and raised her head to see if the projectile had landed.  Something was protruding out of the Kaiju’s chest.

“We got him!”

The giant metallic needle had been filled with toxic chemicals meant to paralyze, poison, drug – do whatever it could to the Kaiju – and it had always worked, at least on the smaller ones.  As the beast staggered back and roared, Mayaka gulped. Beside her, Houtarou waited on equally bated breath. They knew that if it didn’t work, they had to devise a new manoeuvre on the spot. As the Kaiju thrashed in the waves and began to collapse, Mayaka was more than willing to charge in and disembody its head while they had this opening, but Suzume’s knees were locked in place. Houtarou held them back.

 _Not yet_.

Black Tyrant erupted out from the sea in the next instant and Mayaka was thankful she had choosen to listen to Houtarou for once. The Kaiju identified them, bending its legs and ignoring the hole in its chest. It lumbered towards Suzume as they backed up to regroup – “Wait, this isn’t right. It’s picking up insane speed!” Satoshi reported–

Too late. Mayaka yelled in alarm when Tyrant burst into a sprint without warning and leapt onto them, pinning them down with a crazed, victorious cry.

Houtarou and her desperately tried to shake it off, but to no avail. It clung to Suzume’s legs and shoulders, and the Jaeger creaked under the suffocating weight. As they grappled to shove the Kaiju off, Black Tyrant threw a large, jagged claw in the air. It was talon-like – they had never seen a Kaiju with such curved, sharpened nails. An acute flash of fear surged through Mayaka’s veins and she couldn’t tell if it had come from her or Houtarou.     

Before she could react, the claws tore through Suzume’s right arm. A loud, strangled scream filled the cockpit – Mayaka was in too much pain to properly register that it had come from her.

“Mayaka!”

“Damn Houtarou! Focus!” She gritted her teeth as hot tears welled up in her eyes. “I’m not - going - to let that go!”

Houtarou took a sharp breath and didn’t say another word. His mind had spiked with confusion and concern only moments ago, but now it was stabilising, collecting its wits. The noise of the Drift died down and old memories of high school rushed past them – how Houtarou used to reach conclusions in that annoyingly calm manner of his, how they had solved the most nonsensical of pseudo-mysteries. Mayaka missed those carefree days. In the solitude of the Drift, she was reminded of the Geog Prep room on sleepy afternoons, and it became easier to concentrate as they struggled to formulate a plan. Houtarou, she realised, was someone she could depend on, at least once in a while.

“We’ve lost Suzume’s right arm! Be careful!” They heard Satoshi’s voice through the intercom, urgent and fearful. “It’s going for the other one!”

Mayaka’s pulse was drumming in her ears as the Kaiju raised its claw once again. Houtarou was ready for it. Unfolding another needle from one compartment of the left arm, he pierced Black Tyrant as it tried to slam down onto Suzume. The force of the swing caused the needle to lodge itself deep into the meat of the Kaiju’s limb and it reeled back with a wild screech.

 _Now_ , and they moved together.

Suzume slipped under the meaty arm and through the defences of the Kaiju. They clambered up, clutching on the many spikes that grew out behind the Kaiju, and Houtarou plunged a third needle into the spine of the gigantic creature. Tyrant buckled under the blow, but before they could react, they were flung violently off and crashed into the waves.

“You’re still fine!” “Get up!” Satoshi and Tomoe shouted.

Through heavy breaths, Houtarou and Mayaka heaved Suzume up to face the Kaiju’s back. It had only been a few moments but Mayaka noticed that its movements were retarding and it became easier for her to breathe. That was it – a larger Kaiju just required a larger dose of poison.

Houtarou hooked a punch when Black Tyrant spun around to Suzume. The air crackled as their fist connected in one clean motion with the side of the Kaiju’s skull, sending it face first into the dark waters with a shriek. It staggered about and couldn’t fully get back up on its feet.

Even with three needles sticking out from its body, Black Tyrant wasn’t down and out. It flailed about as it sunk like a rock into the sea and coughed blue blood. A hiss of pain came from Houtarou as the Kaiju scraped and slashed at Suzume’s left leg. They weren’t done yet. Suzume had two needles pre-installed in each arm. They both knew that there was still one last one waiting to be used in the right. They had to use it somehow. Mayaka’s arm still hurt like hell but she willed Suzume to give them one last boost of strength–

Satoshi’s voice rang overhead. “Mayaka? What are you doing? The right arm can’t work! Too many things are offline!”  

Mayaka refused to accept it. She flexed her fingers slowly and Suzume echoed the movement, straining against wires and metal and gushing seawater. The Jaeger groaned - still loyal, still in the fight, and Mayaka could believe in nothing else. Her arm wasn’t going to last long, but it would have to do.

Mayaka swore as she wrestled with the hardware to get Suzume to raise her arm – the stress lessened with Houtarou next to her, copying the movement, grunting through clenched teeth as they stretched Suzume to the limit.

She could feel the outline of the needle surfacing in the middle of her palm. Her arm was burning, but she planted her feet firmly down in place. They raised the arm as high as they could, and at the exact moment Black Tyrant bared its jaw open, Suzume brought her mighty fist down and through the throat of the Kaiju. With the collision, the right arm severed itself from completely from Suzume’s body. Mayaka would have screamed if she had the strength.  

Giving its final cry in death, Black Tyrant jammed its claws into the sides of Suzume’s legs, causing the Jaeger to lurch forward and topple. Mayaka, even in a fog of overwhelming pain, was certain that they were going to be dragged underwater if they didn’t do anything about it.

The more she took in her surroundings - Houtarou’s nose was bleeding and he was out of breath, her arm was completely numb and she couldn't deal with much more combat – the more it became obvious what they needed to do. Her throat tightened with a strong, bitter remorse.

She could barely hear Tomoe’s distorted voice.

“Houtarou? Mayaka? Are you listening? You have to get out of there now!”

In the Drift, Houtarou deliberated over the choice they had to make – suddenly, they were six years younger and back in their Kamiyama High uniforms and Mayaka was lecturing and grimacing and tapping her foot at him.

“We don’t have all day, Houtarou!” she pointed out.

Houtarou tugged his bangs. “I’ll figure something out,” he muttered.

“Don’t choose now of all times to go against your holy mantra!” Mayaka threw her hands in the air. The Geog Prep room was in a state of irreparable mess. All the books were askew across the floor, the windows were shattered, and the tables carelessly overturned. Houtarou was picking up each book and trying to slot them back on the shelves.

“It’s pointless!” Mayaka spat out, tempted as she was to join him. She knew herself. She knew that if Houtarou wasn’t here with her, she would be the one bending over the floor, gathering everything up until her arms were overflowing with damaged books. Houtarou ignored her as he grabbed book after book of ripped pages.

This was surreal. Houtarou was supposed to be the detached one, the one whose duty was to rain on her parade and her passion. Ever since elementary school, Mayaka was always the one who cried furiously over every single thing and Houtarou was always the one who didn’t bat an eye, not even when the bullies snatched his lunch from him.

Mayaka never knew she could throw her heart away like this, never knew that Houtarou would find it so hard to do the same.

“We can’t just leave. There’s a solution, trust me,” Houtarou said this even though his expression was far from convincing. He had never been this persistent – Mayaka didn’t know he could be persistent to begin with. As bewildering as it was, Houtarou remained stubborn.  

“We can’t leave. Not again.”

Mayaka froze as she heard those words. She closed her eyes and felt a torrent of emotions engulf her. The Drift was a constant barrage of regret and happiness, of memories that were painful but unforgettable and precious. There were so many things she would never return to: a carefree life in a normal high school, a future where she was just a normal girl.

Mayaka clung desperately to her rationale as she took a step forward to reach Houtarou. She understood why he didn’t want to desert this room or Suzume, she understood because she felt the same way – but when all was said and done, in the freezing isolation of the Drift, she was pulling his wrist.

“It’s already gone, Houtarou!” she told him. “I didn’t want to believe it either. I wanted to be able to go back so many times.” Mayaka took a breath. “But Satoshi and Chi-chan aren’t here anymore!” she said, gripped her hands tight. “This isn’t where we’re supposed to be!”

Houtarou didn’t reply her.

A book slipped out of his hands and landed on the pile at his feet.

Mayaka opened her eyes to a half-flooded cockpit. They were submerged up to their knees in murky water and she could hear Satoshi and the other members of the LOCCENT shouting garbled instructions at them. She turned to look at Houtarou. They nodded to each other and searched the control panel to initiate the escape pods.

At the back of their minds, the Drift was already fading away, Suzume was falling into a deep sleep, Mayaka couldn’t stay conscious for much longer, and the Geog Prep room was closing its doors for a second time.

Mayaka said ‘goodbye’. Houtarou said ‘sorry’.

“… Don’t apologise, slug.”

●

When Mayaka came to, it was still night, she was on a ship of some sort, and her throbbing head was resting on someone’s lap. As her vision cleared, she was shocked to see who it was.

Eru was staring off to the distance, her lips drawn into a solemn frown. She looked exhausted and worried. The first thought that came to Mayaka was that she wanted to smooth out the creases between Eru’s eyes. However, when the woman noticed her stirring, the forlorn expression vanished instantly. It was replaced with a bright smile.

“Maya-chan!” Eru grinned from ear to ear. “Don’t try getting up. You’re a little hurt here and there – ah, but it’s nothing too serious. Your arm will be fine once we get it treated. The medics told us that the bruises will heal in no time flat too. The aid vessel is headed back to the Shatterdome and we’ll get you proper attention the moment we reach. Everything will be alright.”  

Mayaka was still disoriented, and the mountain of words wasn’t helping. At the same time, she appreciated the concern.

“Wh… What are you doing here?”

“I asked Satoshi-san if I could come along – I wasn’t getting any work done either way.”

Mayaka opened and closed her eyes blearily and asked, “Where’s Oreki?”

“He’s getting treated over there right now. The medics attended to you first. We brought life support and a lot of other things with us – we didn’t know what had happened, Maya-chan – but thankfully, we won’t have to use them!”

Mayaka had no strength to lift her head. She nodded to show her understanding. Eru was holding onto her hand, clasping it tight. “Don’t worry about a thing, Maya-chan. Everyone’s fine.” The firmness in her voice sounded almost weird, but Mayaka didn’t dwell on it.

“Oh, and we’re also looking for Suzume right now.” Eru pointed and Mayaka craned her neck in the same direction. In the distance she could see the shadowy silhouette of a few cargo ships and three helicopters circling the ocean with spotlights, searching for the fallen Jaeger.

“The LOCCENT said that salvaging her isn’t completely out of the question. They’re almost positive about it.”

The sight was heartening. Suzume deserved better than to be left scattered and unwhole across the ocean floor.

As Mayaka adjusted back into more comfortable position on Eru, she heard footsteps approaching them. Before long, Houtarou and Satoshi had entered her field of vision. Houtarou’s arm was draped over Satoshi’s shoulder. From what Mayaka could remember from the battle and the Drift, Houtarou had probably twisted his left ankle.

“You still in one piece?”

“Mostly,” Houtarou croaked.

“That’s excellent!” Eru clapped her hands together. “Satoshi-san and I were worried sick, but things turned out alright in the end. Everyone’s safe and sound. Everyone’s fine.” Her smile was wide as she folded her arms. From the corner of her eye, Mayaka noticed that Eru’s hands were shaking uncontrollably at her elbows. It must have been because of the cold night air. No – that couldn’t be it. She was wearing a thick coat.  

Houtarou stared hard at Eru. A suspicious frown spread on his face.

“What’s the matter, Houtarou?” Satoshi tilted his head.

Houtarou didn’t speak until Eru turned to look at him. “You don’t always need to give that smile, you know,” he said.

“Eh?” Her eyes widened.

Houtarou didn’t blink. “You shouldn’t force yourself to act like that all the time.”

Upon hearing that, Mayaka wanted to twist his other ankle. Houtarou could be an insensitive jerk if he wanted to – the nerve of him, speaking to Eru with that tone! Saving Yokohama and the greater parts of Eastern Japan wasn’t even an excuse. Mayaka was prepared to give him a piece of her mind, broken arm be damned – but what happened next stopped her.

She felt cold droplets fall one after the other on her face. Mayaka looked up.

Eru was crying. 

“Chi-chan?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Do you expect us to belive that?” Houtarou said.

Eru’s cheeks were red as Houtarou held her gaze. When his eyes softened, Eru trembled and she covered her face with her hands.

“… I always thought I had to – I had to be okay. When we were younger, I know I said I would be fine the day you left but, truthfully, I wasn’t. I hadn’t expected to feel that way at all. I cried so much,” she admitted. “I didn’t want to be left behind.”

This was the first time Mayaka had heard Eru say these words.

But, in her gut, Mayaka had probably always known this. She had just chosen to overlook it. As long as she didn’t acknowledge it, such a sad truth wouldn’t have to exist. When had she settled for taking the easy way out? Mayaka was disappointed with herself. Among the four of them, she had always been the most childish one. Mayaka sucked a breath in and smeared the tears over her cheeks as she wiped her face.

“But I had to show that I was fine or else you might have blamed yourselves – I didn’t want that to happen. So I promised myself that I… I would be alright. I had to be alright.” Eru rubbed her palms against her eyes over and over again. “I did what I could to be able to be with everyone again. I didn’t want anything to ruin it, I couldn’t, so I told myself that I would show a smiling face when I saw the three of you again.”

And Mayaka knew then and there that Eru was the strongest friend she would ever have. Here was a woman who had watered and tended and worked over the ground she was allowed to stand on until it led her to where she could reach them. She had grown her own path to them with bare hands and an open heart.

“I thought I could keep it up. It was hard in the beginning, but I think I got the hang of it ,” Eru laughed. “When I first saw everyone again, I wanted to cry. Somehow, I held it together. You were all so strong. I had to at least try to be the same. But, it was difficult for me to do that this time.

Maya-chan… the truth is I didn’t want either of you to leave. I was so scared.”

These words made Mayaka’s chest tighten, and she felt her eyes begin to water.

She urged her body to sit up. Eru immediately placed a hand on a shoulder to ask her to please lie back down, but Mayaka shook her head obstinately.

She inched back from Eru so that she could look at her properly. An arm reached around to support her back. She glanced sideways to discover that it was Satoshi’s.

“Chi-chan, you should have said something,” Mayaka said with a shaky voice. “Didn’t we say that we would tell each other our problems?” Her lip quivered.

Of course, it wasn’t Eru’s fault. She had always placed others before herself. That was who she was and Mayaka couldn’t find fault in that.

Houtarou, Satoshi and Mayaka were all selfish people – in different ways and for different reasons – but maybe that was why the three of them got along from the very beginning and why they understood each other to a certain extent. In contrast, Eru was a ridiculously selfless person. That was one of the things Mayaka loved most about her. She remembered Eru crying when she had first heard her Uncle’s story, how on one Valentine’s Day she had become something furious and emotional for Mayaka. For as long as Mayaka had known her, Eru had always given her heart to others without a question.

Now, these tears were finally for herself.

“I’m sorry,” Eru apologised as tears dripped from her chin. “I told myself I would be able to handle it. But seeing you two leaving again – the thought of something happening to Houtarou-san or Maya-chan, I – I couldn’t– ” Eru didn’t finish her sentence.

Houtarou had drawn his arms around her, carefully and gently, like he was holding a house of cards.

“It’s fine, Chitanda,” Houtarou said as she leaned her forehead against his shoulder. He winced at the contact, but continued to speak. “We’re here. You don’t always have to put on a brave face. Just tell us the truth next time. You don’t need to smile all the time and you don’t always have to take on the responsibility of reassuring everyone.”

Eru seemed to relax at these words, like a weight had been taken off her back. Her sobs lessened as she buried her face in his shoulder. Houtarou hesitated before tapping his fingers lightly against her back. Mayaka realised he was trying in some awkward way to comfort her. In any other time and place, she would have laughed.

What Houtarou had said was true. Since high school, Eru had always made it a point to act to the best of everyone’s interests. She was the kind friend, the diligent chairperson, the reliable daughter. There was only one particular time Eru stepped out of all these roles she’d assigned to herself. It was when she was with Houtarou, when they tried to solve a mystery that she couldn’t get off her mind. That was the only time Eru had ever acted remotely selfish about anything.

Maybe now, Eru could start to be selfish again.

The sounds of the waves breaking against the hull of the ship and Eru taking slow, calming breaths were the only things Mayaka could hear. Far from being uncomfortable, this silence was soothing. It was difficult to imagine that only a couple of hours ago, a monster had rampaged through these waters.

Now, in the very same place, she was with the three most important people in her life. The moon was low in the sky, and it was not yet full. It would be in a few nights’ time.   

Eventually, Eru leaned back from Houtarou’s arms. The smile that gradually appeared on her face was uncertain and vulnerable, one that Mayaka had never seen before. 

“Houtarou-san, you said that I shouldn’t always take responsibility. Is it because it wastes energy?” Eru asked half-jokingly.

Houtarou looked like he wanted to agree very badly. In a valiant recovery, he succeeded in composing himself. “That’s true. But I was also thinking that we could take turns doing that – energy conversation and distribution.”

Mayaka was dumbfounded. Satoshi began to laugh very hard.

“Houtarou! You’ve widened your vocabulary!”

“Someone told me that it’s time to stop dwelling in the past. That’s not where we are anymore. Maybe some slight changes wouldn’t hurt,” Houtarou said. Mayaka smiled at this.

“That person sounds very wise,” Eru said with awe.

“She’s okay.”

Houtarou’s ankle was within arm’s reach. Mayaka grabbed it and squeezed.

“Ouch.”

Mayaka couldn’t quite remember what followed after that. Tomoe had checked up on them before returning to captain the vessel. Eru was curious about all the details of their encounter with the Kaiju and interrogated Houtarou about it. There was a lot of talking. All Mayaka was sure of was that she had leaned against someone, intending to rest, and had drifted off to sleep before she could help it.

●

The next time Mayaka was conscious, she was no longer on Eru’s lap.

Satoshi’s smile was calm and restrained. It made him look older.

“We switched places,” he explained in a quiet voice.

“… Oh,” was the only word Mayaka managed to say. Just, _oh_. Her mind was a peaceful blank for the first time in months, and the tranquil ocean around them made it too difficult for her to overthink anything. Were they far from the mainland?

As she took in what was happening around her, the answer to that question became less and less relevant.  

The sensation of her cheek pressed against Satoshi and the cradle-like lull of the ship was indescribable. She wanted to hold this cosy feeling close to her heart. It would be easy for her to fall back to sleep, to end this before she and Satoshi steered it from a blissful dream to a nightmare the way they always did with anything they touched. But she couldn’t do that – not now, not after everything that had happened. She sighed. Her ribs ached in response.

Mayaka shifted her gaze to the middle of Satoshi’s forehead when she realised she couldn’t quite concentrate on anything when she stared into his eyes. His thumb was barely grazing the outline of her chin, as if he wasn’t sure if he could do it. Satoshi seemed to be doing it unconsciously.

Mayaka wanted to say the words that had always belonged to him, to whisper ‘It’s okay’ and ‘You are the only person I’d ever let’ even though they had never been secrets. Satoshi might not hear her if she did. His eyes were distant, contemplating something that was on his mind.

Above them, the sky was turning from night back to day. Mayaka didn’t know what colour to call it. She wanted to ask Satoshi for his opinion, but didn’t want to break the silence. It was different this time – different from when they were younger and all their silences were tense, grenade fields of honest words they couldn’t ever say, and how the only thing they knew how to do was to wait for it to pass, to pretend that nothing had happened in the first place.

They weren’t doing that this time, Mayaka sensed. They weren’t ignoring it, they weren’t trying to push it away, to stomp and stomp on it until they could tell themselves that it had never even happened, and Mayaka didn’t know what they were supposed to do after that. Maybe that was what Satoshi was trying to figure out. She closed her eyes, listened to his even breaths, and waited.

When he broke away from his thoughts, he drew his hand back, curling it loosely.

“You had me worried back there,” he said with a short laugh.

“Aren’t you worried whenever we get deployed?”

“Not really, no,” Satoshi said this without hesitating at all.

Mayaka raised her working hand to pinch his nose.

The young man grinned as he leaned forward. “A part of me was always sure that you and Houtarou would be alright. If you two could handle being in the same cockpit with each other, a Kaiju can’t even compare as a challenge,” he said in a muffled voice. “I don’t even need probability to know that.”

She was too tired to laugh or throw a defensive retort back. Mayaka released him, lowering her hand onto his wrist. Satoshi’s entire arm stiffened under the touch. More tiring than anything else was this vicious cycle of push and pull. She had had enough of pushing and giving up with these small hands. They could do more than that now.

She held onto Satoshi, refusing to budge.

Satoshi didn’t move at first. The muscles in his throat clench and unclenched but he never looked away. Mayaka thought about them, about all the good and the bad they had put each other through. Mayaka would never know someone as forgiving as Satoshi. And she knew that she was the person who was hardest on him. That was what they were to each other.

When Satoshi began to relax, she threaded her fingers through his, saying nothing because there was nothing left to say, and only then did he completely relent. Their hands were a warm tangle of fingers and Mayaka felt silly as she realised that this was all she ever wanted from him.

“Mayaka, if I had something important to tell you right now, would you be willing to listen?”

She thought about it. “Is it because I nearly died or because you’ve been thinking about it for a long time and only just decided to tell me?”

He chuckled weakly and shifted his gaze away as he tried to come up with an answer. She knew that it was one of his habits. It served as a reminder of how all the little details about Satoshi used to irritate her – how he would change the topic when he wanted to avoid something, how he would begin to do something before half-heartedly pulling back, how self-doubt used to reveal itself in his eyes when he thought no one was looking. Satoshi could never be honest to himself or to her when it mattered most.

But she had to start listening to her own advice. It was time to stop mulling about in the past. She knew that despite everything, she could never truly dislike Satoshi. Satoshi could never be anything else to her. And now, at this very moment, there was no doubt in her mind that she loved him.

“It’s… a bit of both,” Satoshi finally replied. He sounded truthful this time. “Mayaka – um – ” His smile was lopsided and he was trying to ask a question she had answered too many times to count.

 “Fuku-chan – no– ” Mayaka tried to remember what it was like to be brave.

“Satoshi.”

He gave her a quizzical expression.

She steeled her resolve as she gathered a fistful of his collar and yanked him down closer. Satoshi gasped sharply at the action, but didn’t pull away.  

Mayaka couldn’t tell if he was surprised or relieved or something else altogether. All she could feel was his warm breath fanning out over her lips, and she couldn’t focus on anything else after that.

Her arm was broken. Her ribs still ached. She was kissing Satoshi Fukube.

●

●

●

 “Great news, guys!” Satoshi burst into Houtarou’s bunk without knocking.

Mayaka looked up from the issue of _Margaret_ she was reading. Houtarou and Eru were too wrapped up in an intense game of Go to acknowledge Satoshi’s presence right away. He flopped down next to Mayaka on Houtarou’s mattress and pinned a judgemental stare on them until they were done with a round. Houtarou then turned to face Satoshi properly, gesturing for him to carry on.

“The reports just came in! Suzume’s in one piece!” Satoshi paused. “Well, technically, she’s in twenty-five separate pieces now, but she’ll be back in one piece in about a month and a half. Now maybe Houtarou can stop brooding. She’s in good hands. In fact, I heard that they’re planning to outfit her with the newest anti-Kaiju armour!”

“I didn’t brood,” Houtarou attested.

“You have been rather unenergetic lately, Houtarou-san,” Eru said. “I think Suzume must miss having you and Maya-chan piloting her too.”

The young man waved a dismissive hand in the air. Mayaka could only smile at the news. She leaned back against the wall of the room as Houtarou and Eru returned to their match and Satoshi asked her if she had to change the bandages on her arm. No, she replied. Not yet.

For all the drama she and Houtarou had kicked up about the Geog Prep room, it looked like it wasn’t entirely out of their reach just yet. But that didn’t seem to matter as much to them anymore. What mattered was that Suzume would be fine. She had come home in one piece. 

The tiny, enclosed bunk the four of them were in right now had nothing in common with the Geog Prep room. There were no windows, no bookshelves, and yet, Mayaka was hit with a familiar feeling as she watched Houtarou, Eru and Satoshi huddle around the Go board. As she moved to join them, it came to her slowly and seemed to fill her with a warmth that spread from her hands to her toes.   

… Mayaka had come home too.

 

**Author's Note:**

> \- I realise this can pass off as a mayaka/everyone fic….. HMMMM…..  
> \- The sparrow’s chirp, "chū", is a homophone for loyalty (忠誠, chūsei).. sobs a little...  
> \- The most factually inaccurate thing here is that training at the Jaeger Academy actually lasts only twenty-four weeks in total, that’s like only half a year! since this was already au, i au’d it a little more; maybe in the later and more urgent stages of the kaiju war, the curriculum got more packed and intense – but honestly, if you’re going to understand kaiju science, pilot a jaeger, operate and adjust to the drift system, and also pick up a variety of martial arts, half a year doesn’t seem feasible to me??  
> \- Regarding Suzume's unconventional name, it was the result of me tossing names back and forth for about two weeks. Nothing seemed to fit without being too cheesy and so I decided to settle with just 'suzume'. Like Houtarou said, it's short and sweet! haha


End file.
